Bertrand Russell
I was enjoying a movie night with one of my friends a few days ago. She invited me over after I had a bad day. I had one of those “Who am I?”, “What should I do?”, and “What am I going to do?” days where nothing seemed certain, and it never does. Certainty is an illusion in my mind and that is quite scary. The uncertainty breeds confusion, and it may go as far as causing “one of those days”.
“One of those days”, I questioned what I do with my life and if what I am doing is right. I have always thought that doing what makes me happy will be my only goal. But what makes me actually happy? Is it writing? Is it being lazy? Is it studying for my major? And then questions about money, and conformity arose. The whole day (last wednesday actually) I could not stand being with myself and being myself. I was uncertain, I was confused, and I was angry at the world. There was more to it but it’s hard to describe if you have not been through it yourself and I am pretty certain you have, so let me skip to the good stuff.
My friend and I were enjoying a good night, watching movies filmed by some schizophrenic director. She had an issue of hers, and she ranted about it for about five minutes (that’s nothing compare to my hour-long rants to my friends and family!) and then she chose a course of action. She engaged in a quick phone call, and again, she chose a course of action. She made those snap decisions I wrote about a few months ago. Within thirty minutes she completely resolved her situation and moved onto another issue, that she, again, resolved within a few hours.
It was quite…beautiful. She was elegant at it and really fast, sticking by her decisions, and backing her choices with all of her might, never wavering. It is something I cannot do. I spend hours thinking about what I can do, what I should do, where I am headed, and if it is the right decision.
Later on that night, she asked me what I had a bad day about and I explained to her my questions and dilemmas. She looked at me a bit strangely and proceeded to ask me the questions back, a different way. (This is paraphrased, I cannot remember exactly how the conversation went)
- “Do you like what you are studying?” She asked. “Yes” I answered.
- “Is it something you want to do after school?” She asked. “Yeah, I like it, I guess.” The uncertainty crept back into me.
- “What else would you want to do?” She asked, “Write. But I’m not sure.” I answered.
- “Do you write?” She asked. “Yes, I write.” I answered.
- “So where is the problem?” She asked and I realized I could not see the problem. I was studying what I wanted to study, I was on my way to working where I wanted to work, and I was on my way to doing in life exactly what I have always wanted to do.
I stared at her for a full minute, and I was about to say “You don’t understand” or “It’s more complicated than that” but I could not. I could see in her stare that it was just THAT simple. I thought about my morals, my principles, and I thought back to my original motto in life:
I will do what makes me happy in life
I was unhappy, yes, but I was doing what made me reasonably happy. And I should search for anything that will make me happier, yes, but I should not dismiss what I have now and what I am doing. If I am truly unhappy with what I am doing, I should do something else but to be honest, I am not unhappy, simply frustrated because I have no concrete direction in life and that is what makes me confused, uncertain, and all the other stuff.
The enlightening thought of this article is the fact that one has to make decisions. You cannot stand at the fork of a road, thinking some light, some higher power, or someone else will tell you where to go. You cannot stand pondering at that fork of the road for days upon days because then the journey will just get bitter. One has to make sure decisions and stick with them. If they are the wrong decisions, one can backtrack, if they cannot, they can make other decisions to make up for this.
It was that sureness, that unsubstantiated sureness, that attracted me. She made decisions, I made decisions. She stood by them and was sure. I was uncertain and ready to get back to that fork in the road again.
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